Fifty-four years ago today The Beatles had their first number one hit in the United States with “I Want To Hold Your Hand” and the British Invasion was underway.
I was 8 ½ years old at the time and since we didn’t have iTunes or Spotify in those Dark Ages, we had to settle for listening to AM radio stations and boy did this song get ample airtime on every rock n’ roll station in the Greater Miami area. In addition, every girl I knew, and some of the boys I knew, owned a copy of the 45 (no, that’s not a reference to the current President of the United States) record and I imagine quite a few stereo and record player needles were worn out from the constant playing of “I Want To Hold Your Hand” across the country.
Recorded in October 1963, “I Want To Hold Your Hand”, which was written by John Lennon and Paul McCartney, was released in the UK on November 29, 1963, and two weeks later it hit the number one spot in the UK Top 50 and remained there for 5 weeks. In the U.S. it entered the Billboard Top 100 on January 18, 1964, and on February 1, 1964, it hit the number one spot and stayed there for 7 weeks before being knocked out of that spot by the group’s second number one hit in the United States, “She Loves You”, which strangely enough was the first million-copy seller song The Beatles had released in the U.K.
Eight nights later, on February 9, 1964, The Beatles made their television debut in the U.S. on The Ed Sullivan Show. I wrote about that night in my house a few years ago, but here’s a video of their appearance.
I had already been up since 4am (Thursday and Friday nights I was nightmare-free for the first time in a couple of weeks, but last night they returned and had awakened me), first just lying in the dark thinking about things that were on my mind and in my heart, and then sitting up and continuing to read the Steve Jobs’ biography by Walter Isaacson, so thankfully I wasn’t awakened by the flashing strobe lights and piercing sound of the alarms. But I wasn’t happy about it either, lol.
Since New Year’s Day we had been dealing with that very subject; the malignancy of secrets. Secrets that, like the plot of some dime-store novel, had been kept for years and years by people and now were causing results that were driving events beyond the control of innocent victims.
And then my anger exploded like a bomb in my soul. I was angry with myself for being an unwitting part of hiding something that had enabled someone to continue their depraved and repugnant behavior. And then I was incredibly angry with those who had initiated keeping the secret and supported keeping the secret because, even with the revelation of new, horrid actions there was still no one who wanted to deal with this person in the manner which they so richly deserved. Those that knew seemed more than content to simply keep hiding the secret.
As a result, my feelings for and about some people had changed dramatically over the previous 6 days due to those secrets and the abhorrent decision to continue acting like these contemptible behaviors and actions were not occurring again. They just let this sick person keep acting like they are moral, upright, and honorable when they are none of those things. These are not the kind of people I want in my life. Right now, I don’t even want myself in my life because I still feel the weight of responsibility and guilt. Work and books help to alleviate some of that weight, but sleep comes fleetingly and when it does it is filled with nightmares that wake me throughout the night. I have tremendous anger and guilt at myself, and a tremendous amount of anger at those who still refuse to confront this person. 
